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You don't have time?

When somebody tells me I don’t have time for that., my response, or at least thought, is always: If you don’t have time, you don’t have priorities. To which they say: Nothing.

It’s not that they don’t have priorities. They have priorities and are expressing them by saying No to something. If it was important to them, i.e. a priority, they would make time for it. If they had a toothache, they would find the time to go to the dentist. If a loved on died, they would make it possible to go to the funeral. If they were really hungry, they would

People do have time, but they would rather do something else. And that’s fine. It’s their time. My problem is with the way in which they express it. I don’t have time in essence means I don’t want to or I’m not interested. But they don’t say that. They go for in indirect or dishonest phrasing. I see two possible reasons as to why:

  1. They are unaware of the fact that are not actually interested.
  2. They won’t directly say they are not interested, for some reason (e.g. to be polite, not hurt the other persons feelings, etc.)
    The response that 2. will get is:
    1. The other person is aware that “no time” = “no interest” and they recognize this phrasing as dishonest, defeating it’s purpose.
    2. The other person is unaware, will mistake it as a sign of interest and, as a result, will spend more energy to try to make it work, find another date, etc. Politeness has the opposite effect, by making it worse for the other person.

Personally, I say No honestly, if I’m not interested. Not in a harsh way, but by expressing how I actually feel about it. For example:

  • No, but thank you for thinking for of me.
  • Going to bed, at a reasonable time, is more important for me.
  • I would be up for something, but I’m not interested in getting a drink.

I propose another date that works for me, if I already have something more important scheduled: I don’t have time on Tuesday, how about Thursday instead? Through this I express my interest and meet them halfway in finding a date that works.

It’s just better communication, as measured by it’s outcomes.

Jonathan Neidel
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Jonathan Neidel